It's not just the first year...

 

Image Description

black red white background and flowers with GriefAndCreativity logos with text that reads: Every Mothers Day I faced, for the rest of my life, would be yet another holiday lived with the reality of my son’s non-existence. THAT was overwhelming.

Podcast: Wanting to feel included but then be excused from participating…

Today's podcast comes out of a series I did called "Grief Truths" where I wrote about some of the tough realities we discovered after entering grief territory. This episode's topic explores more of the social-relational and self care aspects of the grief experience. It came out of my realizations that I wanted to be invited to things after our son died because I wanted to feel included (vs. feeling people were avoiding me because grief was scary to them). AND in the same breath, I wanted to be excused, no guilt nor shame about it, when I turned down the invitation because I couldn't handle "happy la-la" any longer.

So this episode tackles how we might realize new needs and how to create new priorities so those needs are met while being gentle on ourselves and those we love. Some details:

• Invite me, but excuse me for turning down that invitation.
• Baby showers and family activities after the death of a baby are not the same as pre-grief.
• Craving more self care, family care, and genuine relationship.
• Why pre-grief friends and family may not be able to serve your needs now.
• Family and friends post-grief, who have had their own grief experiences, often understand most.
• Time is precious, so being politely uncomfortable becomes a waste of everyone's time.
• Priorities change for so many who have grief experiences.
• Loss often includes other additional loss sometimes.
• Being aware is hard, but we need it to figure out how to meet new, maybe unfamiliar, needs.
• Holiday rituals change and not everyone can get on board with that.
• How to allow for new rituals and priorities without judgment of self or other.
• Children's Memorial Day, Blue Christmas services
• Change can be complicated if shame enters the picture.
• This is the space of creativity, and post-grief we begin to practice how to do things for own best care, even when it is hard and is annoying.
• But you are your own best advocate.
• Spending energy on this can only benefit you and your community.
• Asking to have needs met.
• It's okay that grief affects us BECAUSE we affect grief, too!
• You can do this.

To stream this podcast, click here.

Thanks as always for listening!
From my radical grandma heart to yours,
k-

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[Originally published as a written article at Radical Creativity, Friday, March 30, 2012]

Re-making the holidays: new priorities of grief

The newly bereaved are often taken aback when they discover that grief has changed more than just “the year of firsts.”  As bereaved people, we heard a lot in the early days of grief about how we should be prepared for the first Christmas, first Mothers Day, first holidays that came after the death of our son.  And it is true that we needed a lot of extra support during those “firsts” to cope with the waves of grief and to understand the continuing bonds of love while trying re-member our family that had been so dismembered by the shattering of grief.

But what no one told us was that this grief experience lasts long after the “firsts.”

I was utterly in shock when I hit my second Mothers Day and realized that I would be FOREVER without my son’s physical presence on this holiday.  Every Mothers Day I faced, for the rest of my life, would be yet another holiday lived with the reality of my son’s non-existence.  THAT was overwhelming.

So how can creativity help us when we get through the “firsts” and then face our entire lifetimes full of being without our loved ones on holidays?  Well, we become our own best advocates, and we find out what our new priorities are for re-making the holidays into something meaningful again.  As with everything on the grief path, there is no prescription for this that will fit every single one of us.  We each have to find our way. 

AND there are a lot of resources and folks out here who are willing to share and help us re-find meaning during holidays:

• The Creative Grief Studio has annual holiday kits available free each year to give ideas on creative activities that might be some heARTmaking as we both grieve and celebrate.
• We did a collaborative holiday post with some helpful ideas and tips here. 
• WYG has a "Practical Plan for Dealing with the Holidays" over on their site.
• Do a Twitter search for "grief and holidays" and you'll find a plethora of information, services, and groups.

These are just a few starting points, just a smattering of ideas, for you to start discovering your own path. The possibilities are endless though, truly. You know what fits right for you and your family. You have every permission and right to re-make the holidays into something meaningful now that grief has changed your priorities and perspectives. And remember, by doing this kind of thing yourself, you model for and give permission to everyone around to do this kind of integration and re-creation themselves. By re-making the holidays, we engage in the potential for an even healthier community!

Reiki to all reading this,
Kara

Holidaze: collaborative, community post

Over the couple decades of doing grief exploration and outreach, I've created many different graphics exploring the idea of the holidaze. Today, for our collaborative, community post on this topic, I thought I'd gather some of the ones people have responded to most strongly and share them in this one gathering spot. (You can click on any of the graphics below to see original size or post.) Hope you will consider them creative prompts or inspirations for exploring how you can tend your heart and creative heART while grieving during the holiday season. As many gifts as we scramble to give others along the way, I hope you will gift yourself with what you need to best tend now and in the coming year. Here goes.

First tending yourself:

Gift giving with a twist:

Finding rituals anew:

And now to share the 

Community Offerings 

that were so heARTfully shared for this topic:

Supporting our friend in grief Kara from @griefandcreativity who asks how can you both celebrate and grieve during the #Holidays? Since my loved ones died, this time of year has been tough - seeing my best friend, Joy’s name everywhere; missing celebrating my former fiancée’s birthday around Thanksgiving and having my Dad decorate everything like Chevy Chase from Christmas Vacation. The way I have been able to deal with the grief is by honoring (not avoiding) both my sad and joyful emotions. Trying to pretend only makes it worse. #griefreiki #holidaze ##griefandcreativity #grieftip #holidays #holidaygrief #griefquotes

A post shared by Grief Reiki® (@griefreiki) on Nov 22, 2017 at 11:31am PST

 

We all move through grief differently, but creativity is a universal. I bake biscuits, but what do you do? Whatever it is, put your hands to work to calm your mind. Right, @griefandcreativity?⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ "#wereallinthistogether #griefandcreativity #creativity #creative #therapysession #grief #griefbiscuit #griefjourney #griefquotes #griefsupport #griefsucks

A post shared by Grief Biscuit (@griefbiscuit) on Oct 26, 2017 at 4:00pm PDT

 

Thank you again to each of you, Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Amanda! My whole heart to each of you for being willing to share and be part of the community expressions of grief and love around the holi-daze of the holidays.

And to all of you reading, waves and waves of Reiki coming your ways in support for whatever your holidays are looking and feeling like this year. Please remember if you are having a hard time at any point, you don't have to struggle alone. Tap into a resource like the Crisis Text Line if you need it:

And remember, you have permission:

Miracles and love to you!
k-